The Prophet's(saws) marriage to Khadija(r.a.)
Dr. Ahmed El-Kadi
Introduction
------------
The period of the
Prophet's family life during his marriage to his
first wife, Khadijah, could be considered as the prototype of an
Islamic
family life. This implies that we should look at this period
as the ideal example for family relationships, practices,
and
attitudes which we should emulate. There is a lesson to be learned
from each aspect of this relationship, starting
with the
circumstances surrounding its onset, followed by the numerous, happy
and sad incidents known to us that filled
this period of the
Prophet's life. For the purpose of brevity , only a few specific
observations will be discussed.
Circumstances
-------------
The
first observation is related to the circumstances surrounding
the onset of this marriage. The age of the Prophet was 25
years,
which is probably the optimal age of marriage for a man. Khadijah
was 40 years old at that time. It this point
should mean anything,
it is to show that the traditional expecta- tion that the wife's age
should be close to, or slightly
less than the husband's is not
necessarily true all the time. What counts actually is not the age,
but the maturity
and compatibility. Another point of this
observation is the fact that the Prophet was independent, gainfully
employed,
and very successful. His efficient work performance and
excellent business ability were actually one the main reasons
Khadijah
was attracted to him. Although Khadijah was wealthy and
able to support the household, the Prophet (pbuh) continued to
work
and produce. This is another pointer for our husbands-to-be, that he
is able to provide for the family. A third
point is the fact that
Khadijah was the one who approached the Prophet regarding the
marriage through her friend, Nafeesah.
Many of the Muslims feel that
it is not appropriate for a girl or her guardian to approach a man
regarding marriage,
and that the man is the one who should ask for
the girl's hand. The example of the Prophet's marriage to Khadijah
shows
that such a tradition is just a matter of false pride. It is
quite appropriate for a female seeking marriage, or for her
guardian,
to approach a qualified candidate regarding marriage, as
long as this is done in a decent, proper way. It should actually
be
the duty of the parents to look for the proper righteous husbands
for their daughters, since these righteous husbands
are usually
difficult to find these days.
Another observation is related to the type of relation and attitude
between
Muhammad (pbuh) and Khadijah. This family relationship was
charac- terized by love, respect, and appreciation; by hard
work,
support, and cooperation; and above all, by unprecedented loyalty
that lasted till the end of the Prophet's life,
even after the death
of Khadijah. How did the Prophet (pbuh) achieve such a beautiful
relationship?
The Prophet's
(pbuh) Character
------------------------------
One clue to this beautiful relationship was the beautiful standard
of
character of the Prophet (pbuh) himself. When Ayeshah was asked
about the character of the Prophet (pbuh), she answered:
`His
character was the Qur'an; whatever upset Allah, upset him; and
whatever pleased Allah, pleased him; and after Allah
had perfected
his character, He praised him by saying in the Qur'an:
"And verily, you have an exalted standard of
character..." (Qur'an
68:4)
It was the consensus of all those who knew the Prophet (pbuh) that
he was gentle
and kind; generous and noble; thoughtful and
considerate; honest and sincere; loyal and trustworthy. He liked the
good
and disliked the evil. He had a sense of humour without excess;
he joked but always spoke the truth; he was simple but
firm; he was
humble though he had great wisdom and knowledge; he was an example
of morality; and he was a mercy to anyone
who got in touch with him.
True was Allah's description of him:
"We sent you not but as a mercy for all creatures
..." (21:107)
Anyone who saw him, respected him. And anyone who got to know him,
loved him. With all the beautiful
features listed above, it is no
wonder that he won the heart of Khadijah as he won the hearts of all
his followers and
companions. The Qur'an teaches us that goodness
would convert enemy to friend:
"Nor can Goodness and Evil be equal.
Repel (evil) with what is
better, then the one who was your enemy becomes as he were your best
friend and intimate..."
(Surah 41:34)
If goodness can make a friend out of an enemy, it can definitely
increase and strengthen the ties
with a love one.
Mutual Support and Counseling
-----------------------------
This simple but true fact
is commonly ignored by many marriage
partners. They take the relationship between them for granted. They
may express
their kind feelings to outsiders and show their best
behaviour to strangers, but when they deal with each other, each
assumes
that the other already knows his or her feelings. They take
each other's feelings for granted. If each partner shows the
best of
himself or herself to his/her partner, many shaky marriages will
become healthy and successful again. Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) gave us
the best example in this respect. He always showed his best side to
his family. He always asked
the believers to be good to their
families, and when it comes to good deeds, own should start with
those he is in charge
of.
Another clue to the realization of an ideal family relationship such
as the one which existed between the Prophet
(pbuh) and his wife,
Khadijah, was the mutual counseling and support. A single incident
will be quoted to make a point.
I was the time when the Prophet
(pbuh) received the first revelation. The magnitude and the impact
of this incident
was so great that it literally shook him up. Whom
did he go to for counsel and support in such a difficult time? Did
he
go this best friend? Or to his lawyer? Or to his professor or
advisor? Or to the elder of the community or tribe? None
of these.
He went to his wife Khadijah. He asked her for support and for her
opinion, and apparently he knew what he
was doing. She responded in
the most appropriate manner. She did not faint or panic. She ated in
the most comforting
and supportive way, and filled him with
confidence. She was quoted to say:
"Be steadfast and have good news. By
the one who has khadijah's soul
in His hand, I wish you become the Prophet of the this nation. By
God, God will never
let you down. You are kind to the kin, you are
truthful in your word, you carry the weak, you host your guest, and
you
support the afflicted."
Someone may ask: what would this single incident mean? It means
quite a lot. This type of
mutual trust and confidence does not
develop instantly. It is rather the result of long years of
exposure, testing and
practice. In such a challenging and difficult
situation, the Prophet (pbuh) would not seek counsel and support
from
someone he had not trusted and tried before.
The point to be made is that the mutual counseling and support
between
marriage partners is an essential ingredient for a
successful family life. IT serves two purposes: One is that a very
useful
source of counsel and support must be utilized rather than
wasted. Second, the consulted partner will develop confidence,
in
addition to a sense of participation and appreciation, which will
further strengthen family ties.
Helping
Around the House
------------------------
Another clue was the Prophet's participation in the activities of
his
family, giving a helping hand whenever he could. When Ayeshah
was asked:
"What did the Prophet (pbuh) do at home?"
She replied: "He would be
involved in the service of his family, and when the time for prayers
was due, he would wash
up and go out for prayers."
Unfortunately, may men feel that it is beneath their dignity to
participate in housework.
It is true that the home and housekeeping
are usually the domain and responsibility of the wife, but a helping
hand
by a husband can be of great value. On the one hand, it will
help the husband to undertstand and appreciate the duties
and
problems of his wife. On the other hand, it will signal to the wife
his interest and caring attitude. Besides, his
behaviour will be an
example to the children, who might feel that housework is for
mothers only. Sometimes the services
of the husband are not needed,
or not feasible. Here, gestures of goodwill and willingness to help
are all that is needed.
At other times, his service at home may be
badly needed. In such a case, any time he can spare to serve his
family is
time well-spent. Of course, the service provided could be
physical, spiritual, or intellectual.
Respect for the
family
----------------------
Another clue was the Prophet's (pbuh) respect for his family.
Ayeshah said:
"The
Messenger of Allah (pbuh) has never beaten a wife or a servant,
and he has never hit anything with his hand except when
fighting in
the cause of Allah."
Although physical discipline may be required or justified in a
crisis and when
dealing with immature individuals where reason and
logic are of no value, the Prophet (pbuh) always discouraged this
mode
of action. The normal treatment of mature individuals should be
based mainly on logic, reason and sound understanding.
The main
miracle of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is the Qur'an, which is a message
to the minds of all people. IT is the
Islamic approach to utilize
mainly the mind and reasoning rather than to paralyze and overpower
the person by physical
means. When it comes to corrective action, a
serious word or look or gesture could be more effective and even
more painful
than beating with a whip. Physical means are saved for
the ones who do not have enough mind to understand. When beating
has
to be used along these lines, the Prophet (pbuh) teaches us that one
should not hurt and that one should avoid the
face. The Prophet
(pbuh), however, gives us a marvelous reminder:
"The best among you do not beat."
There
is indeed a great message in this short statement.
Stability in Face of Hardships
------------------------------
Another
clue to the successful marriage was the stability and good
faith of the partners when facing difficulties and afflictions.
Many
husbands and wives are taken by frustration and despair when they
face difficult problems. Some lose control and
completely break
down. Many families fall apart after loss of money, failure of
business, or any other type of trauma.
The Prophet (pbuh) and his
wife faced a great many difficulties, including the loss of children
(especially the loss
of boys in a society which used to kill female
infants out of shame). In addition, they suffered the rejection and
persecution
inflicted on them by their own people. Their response
did not consist in breaking down, or giving up. These difficulties
probably
increased their determination to build up their efforts to
cope with difficulties. This clue should be a good lesson for
all
marriage partners who are shaken by the least of tremors in their
family life.
Loyalty
-------
Another
feature of the relationship between Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
and his wife Khadijah, was his unprecedented loyalty to her.
Loyalty
is actually a cause and a result of the ideal marital relationship
which existed between them. Loyalty is not
just the lack of
cheating, or lack of having extra-marital relations. Loyalty can be
an on-going positive attitude which
can be expressed in many
actions, words or gestures. The resultant strenghthening of personal
relations between the
partners will in turn increase their loyalty
towards one another. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) remained loyal to
Khadijah
to the end of his life, long after her death. Ayeshah used
to say that she was not jealous of any woman more than Khadijah,
although
Khadijah was already dead, because the Prophet (pbuh)
always had the best memories of her. The Prophet (pbuh) also had
a
special kind of feeling towards anyone Khadijah used to like.
Hard Work, Together for the Sake of Allah
-----------------------------------------
One
more feature of the happy marriage to Khadijah was that it was
not a restful and easy-going one. Besides love and affection,
there
was a great deal of struggle and hard work to spread the message of
Islam. When the Prophet (pbuh) received the
second revelation:
"O you wrapped up. Arise and deliver thy warning..." (Surah 74, 1-2)
which woke him from
his sleep, breathing heavily and sweating
profusely, his wife Khadijah approached him gently to go back to bed
and have
some sleep and rest. His answer was:
"O Khadijah, the time for sleep and rest is over. Jibril has
commanded me to
warn the people and call them to Allah and His
worship. Whom should I call? And who is going to respond to me?"
Khadijah
comforted him and anxiously declared her Islam and her
acceptance of the prophethood of her husband. From then on, it was
like
a Da'wah team, striving together in the cause of Allah.
This lesson is for every family, where one partner is upset
and
concerned because the other partner has to work hard in the cause of
Allah. It would make things a lot easier if
both partners did this
work together and started their won Da'wah team. Part of the Da'wah
work will naturally go towards
their won personal education and the
teaching of their children. By doing it this way, the frustration
will subside,
and the joy and pleasure will grow.
The above listed aspects and many more, all contributed to the
develop- ment
of the beautiful relationship between Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) and his wife Khadijah.
The marriage to Khadijah was
a "one wife marriage". For 25 years of
the Prophet's prime age and in a time and place where unlimited
polygamy was
quite acceptable, and until the death of Khadijah, it
remained a monoga- mous marriage. Could it be that Divine wisdom
wanted
this aspect to be one of the features of this "model
marriage" for all of us to emulate under normal circumstances?
