Fundamentals of a happy marriage
Shahina Siddiqui
Faith: The most basic and essential attribute
of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.
Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined
to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication
and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important
role in the developing a loving relationship.
For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings
be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love
between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
Forgiving: When the Prophet Muhammad asked
his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah should forgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then
forgive each other'.
One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the
spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when
we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not
to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness
and we are not stingy to forgive.
If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.
Forget: When we constantly remind our
spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be
left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and
become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.
Forbearance: Sabr (patience) is the most
useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it
brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult
moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds
and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr' (Quran, chapter 103).
Flexible: Many couples unnecessarily make
themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They
are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does
not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful
and tense home atmosphere.
Friendship: This aspect of marriage has
three components.
First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship
based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.
We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends,
in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.
Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing
to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership
role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.
This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator
but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous
burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.
Friendly: Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly
relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief.
Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we
accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain
friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.
Friends: The third aspect of friendship is our circle of
friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends
so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the
expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their
way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.
Fun: Couples that do not laugh together
have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much
spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.
Faithful: It is commanded by Allah that
we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various
forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.
The most common form is maintaining friendships with the
opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships
is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets
in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This
is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
Fair: Usually when we are angry or displeased
the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in
our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your
enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always"
when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.
Finance: One of the most common points
of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious
time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so.
Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the
wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses
to contribute it to the family
Family: Parenting can be a stressful experience
if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in
the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that
must always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or
not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have
elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.
A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and
parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence
a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential .
Feelings: Prophet Muhammad \stated that
Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person
we have hurt forgives first.
Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their
spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people
are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that
they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible.
Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?
Freedom: Marriage in Islam is a partnership
and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The
team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western
since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be
considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.
Flirtation: A sure way to keep romance
in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages
by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.
Frank: Misunderstandings happen when couples
are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration
to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development
of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.
Facilitator: When choosing our life partner,
we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure
of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual
development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His Deen.
Flattering: Paying compliments and indulging in
honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So
being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.
Fulfilling: To be all one can be
to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart
does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always
rewarded tenfold.
Fallible: It often happens that our
expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick
and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.
Fondness: So many times couples
fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective
friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.
Future: Smart couples plan for their
future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children.
This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.